You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
