she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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