apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
