I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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