the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
