The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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