I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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