Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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