did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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