This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
