i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
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