I just saw a hot homeless man
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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