I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
