note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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