Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
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