I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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