I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
