I hate all girls vehemently.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
