I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
i think my cat just said my name.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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