I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
