Apparently you make a good broom.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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