I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
