I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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