Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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