So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
