The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
