I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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