just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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