He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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