we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
