wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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