the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
