Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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