Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
