And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Randomize
