I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
