I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
