It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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