1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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