I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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