Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize