Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
