i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize