i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize