I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize