Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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