Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
