I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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