Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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