can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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