His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize