I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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