dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
