My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
