Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
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