She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
