my phone cant type all the emotion im having
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
