are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
She even gives head with a lisp.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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