I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
operation harelip BJ is a go
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
