Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
